Introduction
Parenting is one of the greatest responsibilities we are entrusted with. As parents, we yearn to guide our children toward a life of happiness, purpose, and resilience. Yet, when our children struggle, the path forward can feel overwhelming. How do we connect with them when they seem distant? How do we provide support when they lash out in frustration?
Dr. Dan Siegel, a renowned expert in child development, offers the framework of the Four S’s: children need to feel seen, safe, soothed, and secure to thrive. These foundational principles form the bedrock of healthy emotional development and enduring relationships. Rabbi Shimon Russell, a highly respected expert in parenting and mental health, builds on Siegel’s framework by applying it to the Torah’s wisdom. He explains that these four elements are not only critical for a child’s emotional well-being but are deeply embedded in the way Hashem relates to His people in the Torah. By reflecting Hashem’s divine care in our parenting, we can create the nurturing environment our children need to flourish.
The Torah’s narrative of Hashem redeeming Bnei Yisrael from Egypt is not just a story of physical liberation—it’s a blueprint for emotional, relational, and spiritual growth. Hashem’s promises of redemption—הוצאתי, הצלתי, גאלתי, לקחתי, והבאתי—offer profound insights into the challenges and responsibilities of parenting. These promises provide us with a divine example of how to guide our children through their own struggles toward hope, healing, and purpose.
In this essay, I seek to expand on these concepts by exploring how the Torah’s promises in Parshat Va’eira offer additional layers of insight. These promises illuminate a framework not only for seeing, safeguarding, soothing, and securing our children but also for guiding them toward their unique purpose and potential. By integrating the Four S’s with Torah wisdom, we can uncover profound lessons that help us navigate the complexities of parenting with compassion and faith.
Seen – וְהוֹצֵאתִי אֶתְכֶם מִתַּחַת סִבְלֹת מִצְרַיִם
"Am I seeing my child right now?"
Seeing a child means perceiving their inner world, empathizing with their emotions and experiences beneath their behavior. It involves looking past the surface, beyond words or actions, and truly understanding what they feel and need.
The promise, וְהוֹצֵאתִי אֶתְכֶם מִתַּחַת סִבְלֹת מִצְרַיִם, "I will bring you out from under the burdens of Egypt" reflects Hashem’s awareness of Bnei Yisrael’s struggles. He acknowledges their emotional and physical burdens and commits to lifting them. Similarly, when we "see" our children, we help lift their emotional burdens by validating their experiences and letting them know they are understood. This act of seeing creates the first step toward redemption, offering hope and connection.
When we truly “see” our child, we validate their feelings, creating a sense of connection that leads to trust, problem-solving, and growth. In Parshat Shemot, Hashem tells Moshe, " רָאֹה רָאִיתִי אֶת־עֳנִי עַמִּי אֲשֶׁר בְּמִצְרָיִם" ("I have seen the suffering of My people"). The Torah emphasizes that Hashem not only observes their struggles but deeply knows and feels their pain. The Abarbanel explains that Hashem’s response wasn’t just intellectual recognition—it was emotional attunement. He saw Bnei Yisrael not as a nation of slaves but as individuals enduring unbearable suffering.
The Or HaChaim elaborates that this act of seeing was the first step toward redemption. By acknowledging their pain, Hashem gave them a glimmer of hope. As parents, we are called to emulate this divine attribute of rachamim (compassion), seeing our children not for their mistakes or behaviors but for their struggles and potential.
The Sfas Emes teaches that seeing is not a passive act; it requires effort and focus. Just as Hashem saw the burdens of Bnei Yisrael with clarity and empathy, we are tasked with tuning into our children’s inner experiences. This is not always easy, it demands patience and humility.
The Baal Shem Tov adds that true seeing is rooted in love. By viewing each child as a reflection of their divine soul, we connect with their essence rather than their behavior. This mindset helps us respond with compassion, even in challenging moments.
When we truly see our children, we teach them that their emotions matter, their struggles are valid, and they are not alone. This is the essence of rachamim, the compassionate attribute of Hashem. Seeing is the first step toward redemption—not just for our children but for our relationships with them.
Once our children feel truly seen, the next step is creating a safe environment where they can express themselves without fear or judgment.
Safe – הִצַּלְתִּי אֶתְכֶם מֵעֲבֹדָתָם
"Does my child feel safe in their surroundings?"
Feeling safe is a basic human need, especially for children. A child needs to feel protected not just physically, but emotionally safe to express themselves without fear of judgment, ridicule, or rejection. When children feel safe, they are more likely to open up and trust their parents, even in times of struggle.
Hashem’s promise "I will save you from their servitude" encompasses more than physical rescue, it speaks to restoring the emotional safety that was stripped away by slavery. Just as Bnei Yisrael needed to feel protected to begin their journey toward freedom, our children need to feel safe, both physically and emotionally, to open up and trust us. Emotional safety allows them to explore their feelings without fear of judgment, giving them the foundation to heal and grow.
Hashem said, “I will save them from their servitude.” The Or HaChaim notes that this promise wasn’t only about physical liberation; it was an assurance of emotional safety. The Ramban explains that the bondage of Mitzrayim wasn’t only external, it weighed heavily on Bnei Yisrael’s spirit. Hashem’s promise to “save” them also meant restoring their dignity and sense of security.
The Chazon Ish taught that a calm and steady parental presence mirrors Hashem’s protective care. When we respond to struggles with reassurance and faith, we create an environment where children feel safe to express themselves and grow.
The Malbim adds that safety doesn’t mean avoiding challenges—it means providing the stability needed to face them. Just as Hashem promised to “rescue” Bnei Yisrael, we provide safety by standing by our children, even in their hardest moments.
Safety provides a foundation for children to trust their caregivers. From this place of trust, we can begin to soothe their emotional wounds.
Soothed – וְגָאַלְתִּי אֶתְכֶם בִּזְרוֹעַ נְטוּיָה וּבִשְׁפָטִים גְּדֹלִים
"Am I able to soothe my child?"
Soothing is an act of love that communicates, “You are not alone in your struggle.” Just as a baby instinctively turns to a parent for comfort, older children also need reassurance in moments of distress. Soothing doesn’t always mean solving the problem—it means offering presence, compassion, and unconditional support.
When Hashem says, "I will redeem you with an outstretched arm," He promises to draw Bnei Yisrael close, offering comfort and reassurance. Redemption begins with soothing, calming their fears and restoring their hope. As parents, we emulate this by being a steady, comforting presence, reminding our children that they are never alone in their struggles. By holding space for their emotions, we help them feel supported even when the challenges remain.
The Netziv emphasizes that soothing doesn’t mean removing challenges but helping a person feel supported and capable in the face of them. Hashem’s “outstretched arm” is a model for parenting: being close enough to provide comfort while allowing the child to grow through their struggles.
Soothing our children’s pain leads to deeper connection and security, enabling them to feel safe in their relationship with us, no matter what challenges arise.
Secure - וְלָקַחְתִּי אֶתְכֶם לִי לְעָם
"Does my child feel secure in our relationship?"
When Hashem declares, "I will take you to Me as a nation," He creates an unshakable bond, a covenant of love and commitment. This mirrors the role of parents in creating secure attachments with their children. A secure relationship assures children that their value is not dependent on their actions; they are loved unconditionally. This security builds resilience, enabling them to face life’s challenges with confidence and strength.
A child needs to feel secure in their relationship with their parents. They must know that their bond is unshakable—that no mistake, failure, or argument could ever break the connection. Security is the foundation for resilience, self-confidence, and emotional well-being.
Hashem promised Bnei Yisrael, “I will take you to Me as a nation, and I will be your G-d.” The Malbim explains that this promise reflects the deepest level of connection: an unbreakable covenant of love and commitment. The Kedushas Levi adds that Hashem’s love for Bnei Yisrael is so profound that it transcends their actions, it is an eternal bond.
When a child feels secure in their relationship with their parents, they are empowered to explore their potential and discover their unique purpose.
Purpose – וְהֵבֵאתִי אֶתְכֶם אֶל הָאָרֶץ
"Am I helping my child find their purpose?"
The promise "I will bring you to the land" represents the culmination of redemption: living with purpose and meaning. Just as Hashem guided Bnei Yisrael to their destiny, we help our children discover their unique path by nurturing their strengths and passions. This guidance is only possible when they feel seen, safe, soothed, and secure, creating the foundation for them to explore and achieve their potential.
The final step in Hashem’s promises was, “I will bring you into the land I swore to give to your ancestors.” This reflects not just redemption but a sense of purpose and direction. For Bnei Yisrael, entering Eretz Yisrael symbolized reaching their potential as a nation.
The Ramban explains that this promise was about more than physical relocation—it was about fulfillment and meaning. Similarly, as parents, our ultimate goal is to guide our children toward discovering their unique purpose in life.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe taught that every child has a unique mission. By nurturing their strengths and passions, we help them connect to their inner potential.
When Mental Anguish Blocks Connection
After Hashem gave Moshe the promises of הוצאתי, הצלתי, גאלתי, לקחתי, והבאתי, Moshe relayed them to Bnei Yisrael. However, the Torah records their response: "ולא שמעו אל משה מקצר רוח ומעבודה קשה" ("They did not listen to Moshe due to their shortness of spirit and hard labor").
The Rashi explains that קוצר רוח (shortness of spirit) refers to the mental anguish caused by their harsh servitude, which left them unable to absorb Moshe’s message of hope. The Seforno adds that the combination of physical toil and emotional despair dulled their spirits, making them unable to imagine a better future.
This verse offers profound insight into how emotional pain can block connection. Just as Bnei Yisrael could not hear Moshe’s words of redemption because of their suffering, children burdened by קוצר רוח, anxiety, sadness, or despair, may struggle to accept their parents’ support or encouragement.
The Aish Kodesh teaches that when a person is consumed by despair, their vision narrows, and they cannot see beyond their immediate suffering. However, he emphasizes that just as Hashem persisted in guiding Bnei Yisrael, parents must provide consistent love and patience for their struggling children, even when it seems like the child cannot respond.
Even when Bnei Yisrael could not hear Moshe’s words due to קוצר רוח ומעבודה קשה, Hashem did not give up on them. Similarly, when our children seem unreachable due to emotional pain, our steady presence communicates that we are there for them, no matter what. This persistence, rooted in love, can eventually break through the barriers of anguish, just as Hashem's promises ultimately redeemed Bnei Yisrael.
Practical Application: If your child appears disconnected, overwhelmed, or resistant to support, try these approaches:
Acknowledge their pain with compassion: Use empathetic language to show you’re attuned to their struggles, such as, “I see how hard this is for you, and I’m here to help.”
Be patient and present without expectations: Demonstrate your support through quiet presence or small gestures, like offering a comforting meal, without pressuring them to respond.
Reassure them that the door is always open: Offer gentle reminders, such as, “Whenever you feel ready to talk, I’m here to listen.”
The Torah’s description—ולא שמעו—reminds us that even when words of hope cannot be heard, the steady presence of love can break through barriers over time.
Conclusion
Parenting is a journey of guiding our children from struggle to redemption, from moments of despair to hope and purpose. The Torah’s promises in Parshat Va’eira—הוצאתי, הצלתי, גאלתי, לקחתי, והבאתי—offer us a timeless framework: See our children, make them feel safe, offer them soothing reassurance, build their security, and guide them toward their purpose.
The verse "ולא שמעו אל משה מקצר רוח ומעבודה קשה" teaches us that when mental anguish clouds a child’s ability to connect, persistence in love and patience can help them find their way back. Just as Hashem continued to guide Bnei Yisrael despite their inability to respond, we must remain unwavering in our support for our children.
Like Hashem’s promises to Bnei Yisrael, our parenting journey begins with seeing our children’s struggles, creating a safe space for them, soothing their pain, building a secure relationship, and guiding them toward their purpose. These steps form the blueprint for helping our children grow into their unique potential. By following this divine example, we can navigate the challenges of parenting with compassion, connection, and faith.
As we guide our children through their struggles, we also grow as parents, deepening our own capacity for compassion, patience, and resilience. By walking this path together, we strengthen not only our relationship with our children but also our connection to Hashem’s enduring example of love and care.
Parenting is not a solitary journey, it is a divine partnership. By emulating Hashem’s promises and care, we align ourselves with a timeless framework that not only strengthens our relationship with our children but also reflects the deep, unconditional love that Hashem shows to each of us. Together, with compassion, patience, and faith, we can guide our children toward healing, resilience, and their unique purpose in life.
Have a Wonderful Shabbo!!!
Yaakov Lazar
Executive Director
Kol Haneshamot
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