Introduction: Setting the Stage for Support
In Parshat Yitro, we find Moshe Rabbeinu standing from morning until night, tirelessly judging and guiding the people. The entire burden of leadership rested upon him alone. His dedication was unwavering, yet the weight of responsibility was overwhelming. It was Yitro, his father-in-law, who observed Moshe’s exhaustion and intervened with a critical insight:
“What you are doing is not good. You will surely wear yourself out, both you and this people who are with you, for the matter is too heavy for you; you cannot do it alone.” (Shemot 18:17-18)
With these words, Yitro delivered one of the most fundamental truths of leadership and life—no one can carry the burden alone. Even Moshe Rabbeinu, the greatest prophet and leader of the Jewish people, needed delegation, guidance, and support to succeed.
This lesson extends far beyond leadership—it is a powerful message for parents, particularly those raising struggling children. Many parents, out of love and responsibility, believe that if they just try harder, give more, and sacrifice more, they can single-handedly resolve their child's struggles. But Yitro’s message reminds us that this is not sustainable. Parenting—especially when a child faces emotional, behavioral, or spiritual challenges—is not meant to be a solitary journey.
Just as Moshe needed a structured support system, parents must recognize that they, too, need help at multiple levels—first from family, then from trusted friends and mentors, then from the larger community, and finally, from rabbinic and spiritual guidance.
This multi-layered approach is not a weakness—it is a necessity. In the same way that Moshe’s leadership became more effective when he accepted support, parents who seek help do not lose control; they gain strength. By embracing support, wisdom, and connection, they can create an environment where both they and their child can thrive, rather than just survive.
Seeking Support from Immediate Family – Strengthening the Foundation
Moshe Rabbeinu, the leader of an entire nation, was burdened with an overwhelming task. Day and night, he judged the people, guiding them through their disputes and struggles. Yet, despite his greatness, Moshe could not do it all alone. It was Yitro, his father-in-law, who recognized the toll this responsibility was taking on him and intervened, advising him to seek help. The same lesson applies to parents, particularly those raising a struggling child. The weight of raising a child who is facing mental health challenges, at-risk behaviors, or emotional pain cannot and should not rest solely on a parent's shoulders. True strength lies in recognizing that raising a child is not meant to be a solitary endeavor but a collective effort that begins within the family unit.
Chazal teach, "If there is no peace in a person’s home, there is no blessing in their life" (Zohar, Parshat Vayechi 233b). A child's sense of security and self-worth is rooted in the environment of the home. When parents function as a unified team, their child absorbs the message that stability and love are constants in their life, even amid struggles. The home must be more than just a physical space; it must serve as a spiritual and emotional refuge. In times of crisis, when a child feels lost or disconnected, the presence of a strong and loving family can be the anchor that holds them steady.
A crucial first step in this process is for parents to support one another. The pressures of raising a struggling child can lead to frustration, exhaustion, and feelings of inadequacy. Without open communication and mutual encouragement, the burden can create tension in a marriage, which in turn impacts the entire household. Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe emphasizes that a child’s emotional well-being is deeply affected by the atmosphere in their home, stating, "The greatest gift parents can give their children is a home filled with peace and love." (Alei Shur, Vol. 1). When parents work together—sharing their struggles, offering validation, and refusing to place blame—they build a strong foundation that provides their child with a sense of security.
Beyond the parent-child dynamic, siblings also play a critical role in the family structure. When one child is in distress, the entire household often shifts to accommodate their needs, sometimes at the expense of other children. Parents must be mindful that their other children do not feel invisible or unimportant. The Ben Ish Chai teaches that in a family unit, each member has their unique chelek (portion) and must feel valued and included. If parents unintentionally neglect their other children while focusing all their energy on the struggling one, resentment can grow, creating further instability. By fostering an environment where all children feel seen and supported, parents cultivate resilience and unity within the family.
In addition to immediate family, extended family members can be an invaluable source of support. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other close relatives can offer wisdom, perspective, and practical assistance. The Chazon Ish writes that "when a child feels the support of an extended network, their struggles become more manageable." Accepting help, whether in the form of an extra pair of hands to care for siblings, a listening ear for emotional support, or practical aid in daily responsibilities, allows parents to conserve their emotional and physical energy for the challenges they face.
The concept of shalom bayit (marital harmony) as the foundation of chinuch (education) is central to this discussion. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein stresses that a child’s upbringing does not begin with the lessons they are taught in school or even the discipline they receive at home—it begins with the relationship between the parents. A child who witnesses their parents treating each other with kindness and respect internalizes those values. Conversely, a home filled with tension, criticism, or blame weakens a child’s ability to cope with their own struggles. A home that radiates patience, encouragement, and understanding empowers a child to navigate difficulties with greater resilience.
Yitro’s intervention in Moshe’s leadership was not a rebuke, but an act of wisdom and kindness. He recognized that even a leader as great as Moshe needed guidance and support. In the same way, parents must be willing to seek help, not as an admission of failure, but as an acknowledgment of the immense responsibility they carry. Just as Moshe found strength by turning to his family for structure and wisdom, so too must parents turn inward first, ensuring that they draw strength from their closest relationships before looking outward for additional support.
The first step of seeking help is not about solving every problem overnight. Rather, it is about creating a home where neither the struggling child nor the parents feel completely alone. It is about recognizing that true strength comes from unity, and that a family built on love, mutual support, and faith will be far better equipped to face the challenges ahead.
Leaning on Friends and Trusted Allies – Strength in Connection
When Yitro advised Moshe on leadership, his wisdom extended beyond simple delegation. He urged Moshe to surround himself with capable individuals who could assist him, ensuring that the burden of guiding the nation was shared. Moshe’s role as a leader did not diminish by seeking help; rather, it was strengthened. This principle holds true for parents as well. Raising a child—especially one who is struggling with mental health challenges, emotional pain, or at-risk behaviors—is an overwhelming responsibility, and no parent should bear it alone.
The wisest leaders, the strongest individuals, and the most resilient parents are not those who try to do everything on their own, but those who understand the power of seeking support. Hashem created human beings to live in connection with one another, to rely on friendship, guidance, and mentorship during difficult times. "Two are better than one… for if one falls, the other will lift him up" (Kohelet 4:9-10). A parent who feels alone in their struggles can quickly become overwhelmed, yet those who cultivate a trusted circle of support can find renewed strength and perspective.
One of the most significant barriers parents face when seeking help is shame or fear of judgment. Many parents worry that admitting their struggles will be seen as a sign of failure. However, true failure is not in acknowledging hardship but in refusing to seek help when it is needed. Hashem has placed people in our lives so that we can lift each other up, offering encouragement and wisdom during difficult moments. A child who sees their parent embracing support rather than withdrawing in isolation also learns an invaluable lesson about resilience and the importance of community.
Yet, despite knowing the value of seeking support, many parents resist it. They may feel guilty, believing that needing help means they are failing their child. Others may fear being judged by their community, worrying about what others will think. Some parents internalize the idea that asking for help is a sign of weakness, believing that "good parents" should be able to manage on their own.
However, this mindset is not only harmful but also contrary to Torah values. Rabbi Nachman teaches: "The greatest danger is despair. Even the smallest step forward brings Hashem’s light into a situation." Seeking help is not an admission of weakness—it is an act of strength. The Talmud states, "A prisoner cannot free himself from prison" (Berachot 5b), emphasizing that no one can carry their burdens alone. A parent who seeks guidance and support is not failing—they are actively working to give their child the best chance at healing.
Rabbi Avraham Yitzchak Kook emphasized this concept, writing:
"A person who isolates themselves in their struggle loses the light of hope. Strength is found in companionship." (Orot HaKodesh 3:282)
A parent who builds a small but reliable support system can transform the way they navigate their child's challenges. A trusted friend who listens without judgment can lighten the burden simply by providing a space for honesty and emotional release. Speaking with other parents who have faced similar struggles offers validation and perspective, reminding parents that they are not alone and that others have walked this path before. Seeking mentors and role models—whether in the form of educators, rabbanim, therapists, or experienced parents—provides practical advice and emotional strength.
It is not a sign of weakness to seek help, just as it was not a sign of weakness for Moshe to appoint others to share his burden. Rather, it is a recognition of human limitation and the wisdom in surrounding oneself with capable, compassionate individuals. True leadership, whether in a nation or in a family, is about knowing when to lean on others.
Parents who build strong relationships with friends, mentors, and trusted allies will find that their own resilience grows, not only for themselves but for their children as well. Just as Moshe appointed trusted leaders to help him, so too should parents seek out those who can offer support, wisdom, and strength. In doing so, they will not only ease their own struggles but also create a foundation of emotional stability for their child, ensuring that no one in the family walks this journey alone.
Turning to the Larger Community – The Power of Collective Support
When Yitro advised Moshe to restructure his leadership, he did not simply tell him to delegate to a few individuals. Rather, he instructed him to build an entire framework of support, establishing leaders over thousands, hundreds, fifties, and tens (Shemot 18:21). Yitro understood that an effective and sustainable system required layers of leadership, structure, and communal involvement. The burden of guiding an entire nation could not rest on one person alone.
This lesson extends beyond leadership—it is a profound insight into the necessity of communal support in navigating life's greatest challenges. Just as Moshe could not guide the Jewish people without an organized system of support, so too parents raising struggling children need more than just their family and close friends—they need a strong and understanding community.
The Rambam (Hilchot De’ot 6:1) teaches that a person's environment has a profound effect on their spiritual and emotional well-being. Surrounding oneself with positive, supportive influences can change everything, offering renewed strength, guidance, and hope. When a parent feels alone in their struggles, they may fall into despair. However, when they are part of a caring and knowledgeable community, they gain access to resources, shared experiences, and a sense of belonging.
While parents should actively seek communal support, communities also have a responsibility to provide it. Rabbis, educators, and communal leaders must take a proactive role in addressing mental health and struggling families with sensitivity and openness. Too often, families feel ashamed or isolated because mental health struggles are whispered about but not openly discussed. By bringing these issues into the light—through shiurim, community forums, and open conversations—leaders can create an environment where struggling parents and children feel embraced rather than judged.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe frequently emphasized that a Jewish leader's role is not only to guide in matters of Torah observance but to uplift those who are struggling. He encouraged communities to approach mental health and family challenges with compassion, practical resources, and unwavering support. Leaders who publicly acknowledge these challenges help break the stigma and create safe spaces where families feel comfortable seeking guidance and support.
Communities play a crucial role in supporting parents of struggling teens by providing:
Support groups where parents can connect with others facing similar challenges, sharing experiences, validation, and emotional strength.
Educational workshops that offer tools, strategies, and professional guidance to navigate difficult parenting situations.
Community-based initiatives that provide practical resources, advocacy, and respite for parents who feel overwhelmed.
The Chazon Ish encapsulates this idea beautifully when he writes:
"A community that embraces those in pain ensures that the entire generation is elevated." (Igrot Chazon Ish, 1:12)
A community that acknowledges, supports, and uplifts struggling families does not just help those families—it strengthens the entire society. The Torah’s model of communal responsibility reminds us that when one person is in pain, the entire community must respond with compassion and action.
A family struggling with a child's emotional or behavioral challenges should never feel like outsiders within their own community. When communities embrace these families with warmth, acceptance, and meaningful support, they create an environment where healing is possible, hope is restored, and resilience is built—not only for the individual families but for the community as a whole.
By turning outward and engaging with support networks, educational initiatives, and communal resources, parents can access the help they need, ensuring that they and their children are never alone on this journey. Just as Moshe built an infrastructure of leadership and support, parents must seek a community that surrounds them with strength, wisdom, and unwavering support.
Seeking the Guidance of a Rav – A Compass for the Journey
While family, friends, and community provide essential emotional and practical support, spiritual and halachic guidance is equally crucial. Every challenge a parent faces is not just a test of patience but an opportunity for growth—both for themselves and their child. Navigating this journey with emunah (faith) and da'at Torah (Torah wisdom) ensures that parents are not only reacting to difficulties but responding with clarity, perspective, and a sense of divine purpose.
Yitro advised Moshe to delegate leadership but to continue serving as the ultimate source of Torah guidance for the people. He instructed him, "You shall caution them about the statutes and the teachings, and make known to them the way they shall go and the deeds they shall do" (Shemot 18:20). While Moshe could not handle every dispute alone, he remained the leader who set the spiritual foundation for Am Yisrael.
This mirrors the role of a rav in the life of a parent. Raising a struggling child comes with many complex halachic, emotional, and ethical questions, and having a trusted rav is critical. Pirkei Avot teaches:
"Make for yourself a rav, acquire for yourself a friend." (Pirkei Avot 1:6)
A rav serves as both a guide and a source of strength in the face of uncertainty. When parents feel lost, overwhelmed, or unsure of how to proceed, a rav’s wisdom provides both clarity and comfort.
A wise rav helps parents understand their struggles through the lens of Torah, grounding them in faith, patience, and long-term vision. A compassionate Rav listens without judgment, offering guidance that is both halachically sound and emotionally sensitive. A strong Rav reminds parents that no neshama is ever lost and that Hashem’s love for their child is unconditional—just as theirs must be.
Rabbi Yisrael Salanter famously wrote:
"A person can build a city with wisdom, but without a guide, they will not know where to place the first brick." (Ohr Yisrael, Letter 27)
Without guidance, a person can have the best intentions but lack the direction to implement them effectively. This is especially true for parents raising struggling children, where the stakes feel impossibly high. A rav helps them see beyond the immediate pain, offering long-term perspective rooted in Torah wisdom—a perspective that transcends fear and instills hope.
Conclusion: It’s Not Good to Do It Alone
Yitro’s words to Moshe—“What you are doing is not good”—hold a powerful message for every parent struggling to guide their child. No one is meant to carry this burden alone.
Like Moshe, parents must recognize the need for a structured system of support:
Acknowledge that they need help.
Turn first to their family for strength and stability.
Lean on close friends and trusted mentors for guidance.
Seek community support for resources and encouragement.
Find a rav to provide Torah-based wisdom and spiritual direction.
When parents embrace this multi-layered approach, they lighten their burden and build a stronger foundation for their child’s healing journey. Hashem never intended for any parent to carry this weight alone. Instead, He gave us family, friends, community, and Torah leaders to help us every step of the way.
Just as Moshe found renewed strength when he accepted Yitro’s advice and built a system of support, so too can parents. When they surround themselves with wisdom, guidance, and emotional support, they do more than ease their own struggles—they create a home filled with resilience, love, and hope. And just as Moshe continued to lead with greater wisdom and endurance, parents who seek help do not become weaker—they become even stronger and more effective in guiding their child toward a better future.
Have a Wonderful Shabbos!!!
Yaakov Lazar, Executive Director
Kol Haneshamot
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